Scotch and Sirens

Chapter Twenty Two

 

Darcy woke up the next morning and noted that the clouds were gone and the sky was blue. ‘Good,’ he thought, ‘at least this day would be more pleasant than yesterday.’ Brougham had been quiet the whole evening, and they both had retired early. Darcy was positive that eventually it would all end well, but not talking to his friend and not seeing Elizabeth influenced his humour badly. He wasted no time and was soon ready for breakfast. He had only coffee again and some provision handed to him by Mrs. McLaughlin.

He arrived at their meeting place hoping to see Elizabeth at any moment now.

 

 

Having retired so early, Lizzy was awake, ready and on her way well before the appointed time. She walked slowly so as not to be standing around for too long, but soon quickened her pace fearing she would be late. She saw him there, tall and handsome, and was happy for the excuse to admire him in the time it took her to draw near.

Darcy held his breath upon seeing her coming. She was so beautiful. He had missed her. He smiled seeing her approaching closer and stepped forward.

She curtsied. “Good morning, and a nice, sunny morning it is at that.”

He reached for her hand and kissed it. Smiling, he looked into her eyes. “Yes, a very sunny morning it is. Any commands for your teacher today?”

She liked the formality of his greeting. Her hand was not kissed very often, and she found the sensation most enjoyable. That he had asked her to now command him made it even more charming. Which all led her to a playful reply.

“Why, Sir, I have no immediate commands for you, but I will keep in mind that I may order you about and reserve the option to do so later. For now I would just like to ride slowly and perhaps practice turning. Unless you have something else in mind?”

Darcy bowed, “At your service, madam.”

He offered her his arm and led her to her horse. After helping her take the proper seat he mounted his stallion and moved closer. They rode slowly to a clearing and started to practise. The turns they were making together were tighter each time and Darcy was very pleased with her progress. Eventually he saw danger in remaining in such close proximity to her any longer and suggested another exercise.

“Miss Bennet, would you like to practise jumps?”

She was not sure if she was ready for those. It seemed a skill far beyond her abilities at present. She had preferred him to lead her in easier exercises where his closeness meant all that was trustworthy and safe. She was quite content to practice turns with him all morning long.

“Do you see the need for me to learn jumps? Perhaps we could gallop next? You only let us trot before, but not very fast. I am certain this horse could go faster if you allowed it.”

Darcy looked at her, wondering what exactly she was afraid of.

“Miss Bennet, the horse can go much faster, but I will not let you if you cannot jump. When we do not ride very fast I can still control your horse, but a sudden barrier can occur along the path and then you will have no choice but to go over it because I will not be able to control your horse in a timely manner.”

He hesitated for a moment. “I do not mean very high jumps. Maybe it would be easier for you if I showed you first how to do it?”

“Yes. It would be best to witness it first. If I see that it is easy for you it might boost my confidence a little. A very little! But keep in mind that I am still unsure of my skills. Just because it is easy for you, it does not necessarily follow that it will be easy for me. I, after all, recall that you have been doing this for years, while I have been doing it for all of a few days. I wish to try though, if it means that I can gallop across the glen. Call it a silly dream of mine, but I have always wanted to do that,” she smiled at him.

He looked at her a bit too dreamily, distracted by the vision she had painted for him.

“Very well then,” he said quietly.

Darcy found a log and put it in a central place in the meadow. He explained to her what to do and demonstrated how several times.

“Will you try now?”

She was nervous, but not being one to shy away from a challenge or her own fears, she agreed. Moving her horse back to the distance he had indicated, Elizabeth began to take a run at it. Losing her nerve at the last moment, she tried to abort the attempt, pulling up hard on the reigns. The animal came to an abrupt halt just short of the intended jump and she was unseated, narrowly missing landing on the log itself in her tumble from the saddle.

Darcy jumped off of his horse and kneeled beside her. He touched her cheek gently.

“Elizabeth, are you alright?”

She looked at him and smiled. Darcy inhaled deeply and looked intensely into her eyes. He untied her bonnet and carefully examined her head for any signs of injury.

“Thank God. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. Can you sit up? Please, let me help you.”

He supported her and moved the log so that she might lean against it. Taking her hand back, his concern still heightened, he asked, “How are you feeling, Miss Bennet?”

A shiver ran through the length of her body as his other hand touched her cheek again and slowly moved to caress her hair. She was glad for the excuse of the shock of the fall, so he would not notice how his touch affected her.

“I am fine, Mr. Darcy, really. It was my own fault, and I deserved it. I lost my nerve at the last moment. I do not think jumping is for me, but now I suppose I will have to master it, or I shall never forgive myself.” He continued to hold her hand, and she was at a loss for what to say next, the touch was so immediate and his concern so dear she did not trust herself to speak any further. She made a move to get up and he assisted her.

He glanced at her while leading her back to her horse.

“If you are quite sure you are alright I would suggest that we ride slowly to the place we had our breakfast the last time.” He smiled tenderly. “My father used to say that one needs to fall from a horse to learn how to ride. It seems you are making progress.”

She shifted in her saddle somewhat, flexing her muscles to see if all seemed well and to ascertain for herself that she was fine. She assured him also, as he seemed concerned that all was not all right when he saw her moving about as she was. She had possibly only a minor bruise or two, which she fully deserved for her stupidity and timidity, and she told him as much.

They soon arrived at the spot they had stopped at before, and he assisted her from her mount with what seemed like extraordinary care, holding her more firmly and letting her down as slowly and as gently as he could so as not to jar her body. He took his time moving away, making sure she had her feet firmly planted on the ground.

He would not let her move until he had spread out the blanket, guided her to it and made her lie back and rest while he unpacked their breakfast and prepared something for her to eat, ignoring her protests and offers of help during the whole process.

As he handed her some fruit she smiled sweetly at him and said, “Mr. Darcy, may I sit up now to eat this, or shall you have me laying down the whole time?”

Darcy smiled bashfully, “Miss Bennet, I must beg you to excuse what may seem my over carefulness, but I am seriously worried about you and you should not trifle with my concern, especially since I simply cannot help myself. I already regret that I had allowed you to mount your horse again, and I seriously wonder if you should ride all the way back.”

He held her hand and helped her to sit up. “So, if you do not want me to carry you anywhere you wish to go you must give me proof that you feel really well.”

She could not help smiling at his concern nor could she keep from teasing him as well. “Mr. Darcy, I would give you proof if I could, but you will not allow me to move more than two feet at any one time without assistance. How am I to give you such evidence under those conditions?”

Darcy returned her impish grin and leaned back on the opposite side so that he could observe her the entire time. “I do not know, really. I guess I will just watch you closely and estimate your condition for myself. But pray, do not think of me. Tell me how you spent your day yesterday.”

She had not yet decided if she would share Jane's good news, but she resolved to watch him closely and estimate his condition just as he was estimating hers. She would decide what to reveal based on his reaction to what she said next. If it did not seem like he would take it very well, she would not spoil their morning with it if she could help it.

“I received some letters from home, two in fact. One from my father and one from Jane.”

Darcy smiled, watching her closely as well.

“I hope all your family is in good health. Do you have any news about Bingley?”

His question having made up her mind for her, she plunged ahead. “Why yes, I do. In fact there is some very big news about Jane and him. They are to be married.” She kept her gaze intently on his face.

Darcy’s smile widened. There was a small change in his countenance. His dimples revealed themselves and a glitter of amusement reached his eyes.

“Married?! This is very good news, is it not? How do you feel about it? Are you happy, Miss Bennet?”

She smiled genuinely at him. It seemed that he had changed his mind about her sister after all. “Oh yes! It is such good news! He and Jane will be very happy together. They are so alike in their dispositions it could not be otherwise!”

His reaction to the news took her by surprise. “I wonder now what you really know of it, Mr. Darcy. I would wish to be impertinent and ask you a bold question. Did you and he have any discussions about Jane before he went back to Netherfield?”

Darcy grew serious. “Well, in fact we did. Not too much, but I repeated to him what I had heard from you, and I also revealed my share in concealing from him your sister’s presence in London last winter. He did forgive me, as unbelievably generous as it may sound.” He looked into her eyes hesitantly, “May I hope you could forgive me as well?”

She looked at him with a new understanding and could not help but let the gratitude she felt show in her eyes. “Oh, yes, you have my forgiveness. You should not have had to ask for it though, as I did finally come to understand your reasons for acting as you did even if I did not like them. But I thank you for doing that! You have made them both happy, and me as well.”

She looked into his eyes to let him see her sincerity, and she had a great deal of trouble looking away again.

He held her look and felt heat slowly creeping down his body.

“Thank you, Miss Bennet,” he said quietly and looked away. “It means a lot to me. You cannot know how I felt when I came to understand how gravely I was mistaken. To have undertaken any decision based on false convictions was unpardonable - especially a decision concerning those who were dearest to me. Even if it had proved helpful, as was my intention, it would still not prove me right. I can only say in my own defence that I had never thought my opinion could win over Bingley’s feelings. That he had agreed with me I read as proof of the weakness of his attachment, while in truth he was holding my judgement higher than his own.”

She felt concern for him, that he might feel embarrassed or responsible still when all was now well. She instinctively put her hand on his shoulder to get him to look at her.

“You must take comfort in the fact that your intentions were good to begin with. You only acted in the manner that you thought best at the time. You wished your friend well. You could not have done any more or any less than you did. You must forgive yourself as well.”

That she, out of all people, would be telling him that now seemed astounding to him.

“I cannot. I am used to taking responsibility for my actions, but I would not like you to feel any discomfort because of it.” He took her hand from his arm and kissed it. “I would not see my wrongs but for you, Miss Bennet.”

Her eyes wandered to her lap, and Darcy smiled teasingly to lighten the mood. “You see, Miss Bennet, I grew to be very upper handed in my life, so it seems I should be friends only with those who cannot be easily intimidated.”

“Well then, Mr. Darcy, I can see now why you have chosen me. Not many things give me pause. Sometimes not even things that should.” She boldly gave his hand a squeeze before removing her own from his gentle grasp.

“I think we have much to offer each other really. I can say things to offend you on a regular basis, like I have so many times in the past, and you can point out my flaws and inadequacies when I begin to think too highly of myself in the midst of my misunderstanding something yet again! I think it may well balance out in the end!” She smiled.

Not wanting to let her know how much her words affected him, Darcy allowed himself one more teasing remark, “Miss Bennet, now I have real proof that you still feel unwell. What flaws and inadequacies can you mean? Surely you are not speaking about yourself. It seems to me that I will have to move to Rosefarm Cottage and carry you all over the house until you fully recover.”

She could not help but laugh at the image of him doing that while her aunt and Holly looked on in horror. “Well, with that fine vision in my head, Mr. Darcy, I think we should get me back on that horse and make sure I still have the nerve to ride her. Perhaps we can try the jumping again tomorrow? As much as I am enjoying myself I cannot stay gone as long today as I did the other day, or my aunt will worry about me.”

Darcy acquiesced and once again took cautious care of her, not letting her help prepare for their departure.

Once they were back where they had begun, he carefully lifted her down once again, lingering close to her to make sure she would not stumble or fall. She thanked him for the riding lessons, for feeding her breakfast and for taking such prodigious care of her after her fall. Having waved a cheerful goodbye to him, she left him to himself once more.

 

 

Darcy returned from his morning ride still in a very cheerful mood. He went to his chamber to change his clothing and wondered what the rest of the day would be like. He had seen little of Brougham yesterday, and if things remained the same between them he would be forced to undertake some steps soon. He truly hoped that his argument with Brougham would be solved, but Elizabeth took first place in his thoughts now. He soon found that he regretted never asking her about her plans connected to her sister’s wedding. If she were travelling to Longbourn shortly he would pay Bingley a visit. However, if she were to remain in Scotland for some time, it would be best not to quarrel with Brougham anymore or to find an estate in the neighbourhood to lease. With all of these unresolved thoughts he descended the stairs and went to the library in the search of his friend.

Brougham was just finishing his lunch and extended his hand toward the meal spread out before him.

“Darcy! Have some food! It seems we have been engaged in the same pursuit this morning, and I dare say both of us are better off for it. Have a seat. You know, there is something I need to speak to you about.”

Darcy sighed in relief upon seeing his friend in a better mood. “Thank you, Brougham. I will join you. I am glad to see that you have benefited from your morning.”

“You would not believe how much! Anyway, yesterday was bad enough for me to welcome any new dawn, and to find that the weather gods finally took pity on me this morning was a huge relief as well.

“But never mind about all that now. I need to apologise for my inexcusable rudeness and volatile temper yesterday. It would seem Miss Tournier is not the only one who can successfully crawl under my skin for some unfathomable reason.

“Anyway, I am heartily sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. You spoke nothing but the truth. My legitimate concerns are tangled up with disappointment and regret in myself.”

“Brougham, please, do not mention it. I accept the risk of abuse being your friend.” Darcy smiled and sat back in his chair. “However, I believe that there is one person who truly does deserve your apologies.”

Brougham pulled a face, sat down in his chair and threw his feet up to rest upon the grate. “Yes, yes. Naturally. It has become quite a habit, I assure you.”

He was silent for a moment, resting his elbows on the arms of the chair and lacing his fingers in front of his face. When he spoke it was in a quiet tone of voice.

“I do not like the idea of two young gentlewomen travelling as they do. It is not right nor is it safe. My offer was, just as you said, only natural, and had she accepted I would probably forget all about it in a week’s time. I did not expect refusal, and I admit I took offence. I say, it is never pleasant to hear that someone thinks your carriage is not good enough. But you are more than likely very right about her motives for refusing my assistance. And the ultimate blame for that must be put on me. If I had not thought it good sport and a matter of principle to not divulge details of my association with Mrs. Preston, she would very likely not have taken this foolish but understandable stance on principle. So I do not mind telling you I am excessively vexed with her for being right and justified in her imprudence and even more so with my stupidity.

“There. And yes, this whole expedition and the manner in which it was entered into, not to mention the character of the persons involved in it, are grating and out of joint. But you are wrong about one thing. I am not ashamed. I do not think I could ever aspire to Miss Tournier regarding me with anything neighbouring to high esteem since I seem to gall her so, but at least I would not have her think ill of me on false grounds. I have never put much worth on peoples’ opinion of me when in town. It is of little consequence, and I usually share their thoughts and view of myself. But I try my best here, Darcy, and her wilful misunderstanding of my motives and character is very tiresome. And yet, of course, you are perfectly right. I must apologise. I know what for, but I really do not know how to phrase it and avoid another deluge of accusations.”

Darcy looked at his friend with concern. “Brougham, maybe… well, I do not wish to seem presumptuous, but maybe it would be good to be sincere. Truth often appears much kinder than one’s image of it. Then, if she still chooses to misunderstand you, you should acquit yourself of any blame. It will be her problem solely if she opts to doubt a gentleman’s word. But otherwise... Why, you are lucky that at least you know what she holds against you. I was not so fortunate with Elizabeth. I do not mean to imply that you have any interest in Miss Tournier, but still, I understand that you would not like to be judged hastily.

“You see, I was always taking Elizabeth’s playfulness for affection, and even if not a sincere attachment, than at least as willingness to be my wife. Well, a willingness? What did I wish for? In fact I was sure she desired my offer, and I was only taking my time to make up my mind, while in fact I mistook everything she ever said. Her witty remarks were not to stir my senses but to touch my consciousness. She did mean her every word.” He added with a sigh, “How much I would give for a second chance!”

He looked out the window and became silent. He did not even know how he had started talking about Elizabeth.

Brougham smiled as he listened to his friend. He reflected that it really seemed Darcy was as in love as he first confessed under rather more murky circumstances on that woodpile up at Clanoch. Of course he could see why Miss Bennet should have exercised such a pull on his taciturn, principled and proud friend. Darcy, he thought, is like a large magnificent moth that is drawn to the light and only realises how his wings can shine when they feel the heat.

Brougham knew that their friendship was also to some degree based on him being a safe light for Darcy. ‘I am a coal gas light,’ he thought to himself, amused. ‘And perhaps, then, Darcy is my anchor. Always reminding me of where the ground is and keeping me chained to truth and reason.’ Involuntarily his smile broadened and Darcy gave him a frown.

“Oh, my friend!” Brougham laughed. “Please do not regard me! My thoughts run in the direction of coal gas and anchors! It is wicked of me, I confess, and please do not think I in any way disregard your very sage advice to me or even belittle your confidences about Miss Elizabeth. They, in fact, inspired me to them. But are you certain you want my impulsive, sanguine opinion on the matter? I have a very firm one, formed on one glimpse of a turn on a dance floor and an unconfirmed suspicion, you know.”

Darcy looked at his friend curiously. “So you have an opinion? Pray, share it with me. I have deceived myself too many times to disregard other points of view.”

“Yes, I do!” Brougham said in a cheerful voice. “You may wonder at my insouciance in the face of your qualms, but I fear I see your dilemma in the light of a pair of very fine eyes not leaving your face for an entire quadrille, a smile for every word you uttered - and there were, uncharacteristically enough, plenty of them - and a growing sense that she would not object to spending more time with you. Perhaps I am being presumptuous, but taking into consideration your careful - sometimes too careful – deliberation and my impulsivity, perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle.

“Thus, from all that I have seen I really only have one question: Do you want her to be your wife?”

Darcy did not appreciate being questioned in this manner, and so his answer came quite reluctantly, “Of course I do. There is nothing more I wish for, but my wishes are of little consequence if they do not match hers.”

“Well then. You must of course offer for her.”

Darcy looked at Brougham sharply, wondering if he had an idiot for a friend, or if rather his friend thought him an idiot all along and it had somehow escaped his notice until this moment.

“Again,” Brougham continued, unmoved, “not to do so would be ludicrous and insulting. If you love her you are under a gentleman's obligation to tell her how you feel and where you stand and let her decide the rest. It only makes sense. Otherwise she has no course of action and cannot rely on your sincerity. Unless, of course, you think she is plucky enough to offer for you?

“No, I think you will be forced, for her sake, to humble yourself in face of your earnest feelings. From what I gather much water has passed under the bridge since you last proposed marriage, and thus it is a new situation. If she still feels what she did then and rejects you, forgive my bluntness, I say she is a flirt and is not worth your regard. But you must open the door to her, Darcy, and let her decide if she wants to close it, lock it or merely keep it ajar. She might reject you. I dare say it is a very real possibility, but your feelings in this really are of no consequence when you compare them to hers. What else can she do except wait for you to be frank about your feelings?”

Darcy looked out the window again, this time turning his back towards his friend. He did not ask for this lecture and it played on his nerves.

“That is the easy part.” Brougham proceeded. “Now, I know what you did wrong the last time you proposed marriage to her, and I trust you do too? Truth is all very well, but sensibilities are quite another. And please remember why you love her. I know the match is unorthodox. It is perhaps even foolish on your part in some people's eye. The marriage mart is an intricate game, which I have never learnt to think very highly of and, therefore, have always refused to play. But it is, nonetheless, very real and not to be disregarded. You are quite right in that. However, I would say to you, that in asking her to join you and bestow all that you are on her, you must ask yourself what exactly it is that you would value for her to give in return. If she can give that to you, then the match must be right. And personally, I should be very happy for you both and think it a most splendid thing!

“Now, there is a pretty little sermon from a man who has no experience of offering for anyone except my nurse when I was six years old. But when you present your objections to my brilliant scheme, we might be able to work out an acceptable middle ground.”

“Brougham!” Darcy’s voice was loud and harsh “Mind your words when you are talking about Miss Elizabeth. She is not a flirt, and I am afraid you misread things.”

He paused.

“I will say it only once. I do hope you understand how insulting your words are to my intelligence and judgement. If you do not, your tirade is not worth my answer.”

He looked at Brougham, who was now waiting in silence.

“You are gravely mistaken in assuming that I do not know her worth. She means the world to me! The value of all that I am, as you call it, is nothing if it cannot find its confirmation in her eyes. It is not a problem of my feelings and my decisions, but I have no reason to think she might be more inclined to marry me than the last time. I can offer, of course, but it would only complicate things and cause her discomfort.”

Darcy paced the room and stood near the fireplace.

“We have… we have a kind of understanding. I offered my friendship and she accepted. I gained her respect and trust. I managed to help her once in a social situation. What you saw then was not a sign of love but of gratitude. That is all.”

Darcy rubbed his forehead and continued. “True, you may say that I am insincere. That friendship is not the real feeling on my part. But believe me, I will not disappoint her trust. No matter what the future brings and what she decides about her life, I am going to be the best friend she ever had.”

Darcy looked straight into his friend’s eyes. “Brougham, I know her and her family well enough to find the means to make her my wife if I wished. But she wants to marry for the deepest love only, and she deserves nothing less. I will not force her to marry me out of gratitude, friendship or money. If her friendship is all I can have, I will cherish it, but I will not use it against her.”

Brougham watched his friend pace up and down and offered a friendly smile.

“Well, please do not take this the wrong way, but offering friendship to her was a damned silly thing to do in view of your feelings. You must pardon my frankness, but I have seen the way you look at her. It will not fly, you know. Moreover, I know your disposition, Darcy. Deceit sits badly with you. I know you are afraid of losing her good opinion. I understand that very well, but how do you know marriage is off? Has she told you so? Since last April, that is. If she is the intelligent, kind woman I find she is, I think she gives you every reason to think she is very kindly disposed towards you. You know very well she could not touch upon the subject without your instigation, and therefore it seems silly and unwise to presume things that are by no means certain. And, if you are such great friends, honesty is not a bad thing. I distinctly recall a very trusted person saying not too long ago that truth appears much kinder than one’s image of it.”

Brougham, still smiling, watched Darcy now, but a glimpse of mischief had crept into his face as he crossed his arms and sank deeper into his chair.

“You know, Miss Bennet does not strike me as a woman who would marry anyone out of gratitude. I think she is much too intelligent for that. Particularly if that gratitude was directed at a good friend…”

Darcy paid Brougham a quick look. He was not sure how he had ever started the discussion, but listening to his friend’s arguments tired him quickly. And yet, he must now explain his objections as if to a child in order to end the discussion for good.

“Brougham, do not think I do not know what position I put myself into when I decided on the step. But I do not deceive her. I will be the best friend I can be without expecting anything in return. You say there is a chance. Maybe there is, but if so it is a slight one. In being her friend I can take care of her, and there is nothing more important than her well-being. If she falls in love I can support her husband. I can see to it that she would be both happily and comfortably settled. Maybe my friendship is not pure, but certainly it is unselfish.

“If I propose again and she refuses, do you really think she would be comfortable enough with her decision to still regard me as her friend? I would burn the last bridge.

“It is not about my feelings or my humbleness, but I will not risk what I have.”

“Well, as watertight as your argument seems,” Brougham replied, “I still think it has a few flaws. For one, I think it is foolish not to be bold when your happiness is at stake. I will wager a hundred pounds she is in love with you. And it is one wager with me you will be glad to lose!

“Now, unless her love and your love are not enough reason to marry, I do not see what the problem is, except pride and preconceived notions of rejection and alienation – and fear. Or if, of course, you are worried about her birth, consequence and family…”

Brougham was very aware of the liberties he had taken with his friend’s feelings, but he was convinced these were things that needed to be said. He suspected that Darcy had brooded over this issue, and he felt it was time to stir it up and make him uneasy in his settled mind. Now he noticed his friend was well on his way to frowning and displaying that Darcy stare that could only be compared to facing a firing squad, so he reigned himself in, put a more serious tone in his voice and smiled conciliatorily.

“Oh, this is just my opinion. I dare say you have given this a great deal of thought and will act on your own deliberation. You always do. But I think you deserve to be happy, and Miss Bennet could be just the ticket. I would hate for you to lose out on account of some misplaced sense of Providence. I think she would make you an excellent coal gas light, you know.”

“Brougham, I fail to follow your reasoning, but I am not surprised since you are talking nonsense. Trust me, I could not cherish Elizabeth more if she was a royal daughter. But my happiness means nothing when hers is at stake.” Darcy glared to make sure that Brougham understood his discouragement. “I consider this topic closed.”

“Fair enough. As you wish.”

Brougham got up, straightened his coat and fussed with his necktie and sleeves.

“Unless the two are the same thing”, he muttered in a casual tone under his breath while he frowned at a thread come loose from his embroidered waistcoat.

Darcy heard Brougham’s comment but chose to ignore it. Without waiting for his friend to leave the library he decided to depart himself. Several hasty steps led him outside the cottage.

 

 

Darcy spent hours walking, trying to deal with the pain and rage he had felt after his conversation with Brougham. The overall hopelessness of his situation only added to his anguish, while Brougham’s good advice pierced in shrilling abuse of his innermost self.

Eventually, he returned to the house that was now immersed in silence. Brougham had avoided any conversation, and Darcy was satisfied with that. They retired early again, but many hours passed before Darcy fell asleep.

 

 

 

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