Scotch and Sirens

Chapter Sixteen

 

Lizzy had awoken at dawn and lay there, wide eyed, afraid that if she fell back asleep she would wake up too late to make their meeting on time. She need not have let it worry her in any case, for further sleep was kept at bay by the constant concerns that plagued her. She was full of doubts, guilt, and anticipation.

Doubts! Oh, she had plenty of those that she listed off in her head for quite some time. Was she being wise to have arranged to meet with him like this? Was it really proper? Was she being foolish to assume that he really meant his offer instead of it just being a kind, impulsive gesture on his part? Was he now wishing he had not agreed to it? Would he be sorry that he had?

Guilt! She felt so much guilt over keeping this a secret from Holly. Why had she insisted upon it? She knew that answer, yet she could not help but review it and think that she should revise her decision. She knew she was making a fool of herself. If she must do it, and it seemed that she could not help herself, then she would rather her folly not be widely known. She knew Holly would only try to talk some sense into her, and she just did not want to allow that, and that thought only made her realise that the guilt came not really from that quarter, but from the mere fact that she knew she should not do it at all. She was playing with fire and only complicating an already complicated and impossible situation where there was no real hope for her, and she knew it. Yet to be able to spend more such moments as she had spent with him already was just too much pleasure to deny herself. Moreover, she rationalised that she wanted this for herself so she would have something to bring out and cherish when she had nothing left of him, and she wanted nothing to tarnish it. Not doubt. Not dissention. Not common sense.

Which brought her right smack up against anticipation! What would these meetings hold in store? She would be able to get to know his mind better, and he, hers. To ride beside him across the glens would be a joyous thing indeed.

When the time finally came she readied herself very quietly and left the cottage in the same manner. She did not want anything to spoil this morning, as it would be the first and last riding lesson that she would ever receive from Mr. Darcy. After all of her morning musings, she had finally come to the conclusion that it would be for the best. However, after two of the most pleasant hours spent in his company she could not bring herself to keep that resolve, and so she had agreed to meet once again the morning after next.

Holly was sitting at the kitchen table writing a note to someone when Lizzy had arrived back to Rosefarm, and before she had even walked very far into the room her cousin spoke out in a grave and serious voice. “Lizzy, can you sit down for a moment? I need to ask you.... are you upset with me?”

And now, standing here facing Holly, she felt the guilt come rushing back. She simply did not understand the question that was being asked of her.

“Me? Upset with you, Holly? Why ever would I be upset with you?”

Tears sprang into Holly’s eyes at Lizzy’s question.

“I do not know! But you have been so quiet and distant lately that I get the feeling you are disappointed in me. You speak to me only when you must, you have shunned my company in the mornings, and I can only conclude that I have somehow upset you.

“Is it because I could not keep my promise? Because I was unable to keep from quarrelling with Mr. Darcy’s friend? I am trying to do better—we did have several minutes of civil conversation yesterday, with only a few moments of disagreement. I know I promised you I would do better, and I am sorry I let you down. I will not let it happen again, truly.”

Lizzy immediately crossed over to Holly and hugged her close, tears and confusion threatening to reach her own eyes.

“Oh, Holly, I am afraid I have been guilty of thinking that all events of late are about me. Of course I am not upset with you! How could I be? I have thought only of myself! I am sure you have done or said nothing that you felt did not need to be said, and if truth be told, Mr. Darcy's friend and your reactions to him have not even entered my most selfish thoughts.”

She held Holly at arms length and examined her face closely.

“Holly, I have only walked out without you on two mornings, and last night I think we were both distracted by our own thoughts. There is no reason for you to be feeling such distance between us, so I wonder if something else is not troubling you. I do think that it is high time we examined your thoughts concerning Lord Brougham just a little, for it seems that he bothers you more than you would like to admit.”

“Oh, I have no trouble admitting that he irritates me terribly. What I cannot understand is why. Why am I able to be friendly and polite to, say Mr. Grant—who has actually caused me much more discomfort and trouble than Lord Brougham ever has—but I cannot control my tongue or temper around him?

“It really is most frustrating!”

“Holly, I know you will not wish to hear me say this, but perhaps you are finding some things about him that attract your interest in some way. With your current feelings toward all well-to-do gentlemen since your dismissal because of one, perhaps you are avoiding those thoughts in favour of anger and annoyance simply to protect your own feelings? Could this be so?”

“Lizzy, I know you will not wish to hear me say this--but I think you have taken leave of your senses! I hope your solitary morning strolls are not taking you near the unwholesome air of the bog. You seem to have a touch of the brain-fever.”

Holly stood and began pacing the length of the kitchen.

“Interested in Lord Brougham! What an idea! What would a girl like me have in common with a man like him? He is exactly the sort of man the girls of Hockdown seek to secure.”

She pulled a plate down from a shelf and began filling it.

“Here Lizzy, I am sure you have skipped breakfast and are just delirious from too much exercise and a lack of food.”

Lizzy laughed. “All right! If you insist upon turning the subject back to me, I will leave it. But you bring a quote from the Bard to mind all the same. ‘The lady protests too much, methinks.’”

Seeing Holly's expression of disgust at her even suggesting such a thing, Lizzy laughed again and took the plate from her.

“I am famished you know. I had a rather strenuous walk. I simply do not know why you imply that my morning roamings are unusual. It is my normal habit and gives me a chance to gather my thoughts. However, if you are feeling neglected, I will wake you tomorrow and drag you out with me bright and early.”

Sitting down at the table, she added, “In the meanwhile, since I did not yet have the opportunity of telling you the full details of my talk with Lucy – well, I did try last evening, but you were simply too preoccupied to listen – I will reward your suffering now,” and she proceeded to tell the tale.

“I shall also need to relay the fact that Mr. Darcy had heard it all, unbeknownst to Lucy, and I was obligated to tell him of the horrible things I had told her at dinner that night. I must say he behaved very much as an understanding friend would and extracted a promise from me that I would stay by his side for much of the evening at the Steeles’.”

Trying to seem unconcerned about Holly's reaction, she gave her a sideways glance as she finished with, “So, it seems I will not require your services that evening to keep me away from him, as I had previously asked of you. It seems that I have one more folly to live through with my chin held high and a smile plastered upon my face. I will at least appear noble while Lucy condemns me to the gallows!”

The whole time she was talking, Lizzy was secretly glad that she now had a reason to release Holly from that promise. Perhaps her true folly was in asking that of her in the first place? Surely she could handle things well enough with Mr. Darcy on her own.

“Lizzy, are you quite sure you have thought this out carefully? What is he about, asking you to stay by his side for the evening?” She looked at her cousin solemnly, waiting until Lizzy would meet her eyes, “I am worried that he is toying with your feelings, your affections, and I am concerned that you are letting him.”

“Holly, I knew you would react this way. You take far more care of my emotions and feelings than I am doing myself, and perhaps I am in error to be so careless just now. But I know that he asked that of me not for selfish motives, but for selfless ones. He was concerned about me and about how Lucy is going to try to embarrass me. I think he is only trying to help. There can be no game in this for him.”

She looked pleadingly at Holly, willing her to understand. “I see no harm in spending one evening in his company and being there to defend myself should Lucy decide to speak out of turn. I would not want her to think she had bullied me. Besides, I think I am in no danger of losing my heart in the course of one evening.”

She stared directly at her cousin, allowing her steady countenance to attest to the fact that she honestly believed what she had just said to be true. Seeing her cousin was unconvinced by her arguments so far, she made one more attempt.

“He is not a man who plays games, Holly. That is one thing that I can be sure of, as much as I may have misjudged him in the past. It is one area where I know I am not wrong. He is a very serious and cautious man. I am aware of some facts regarding him that allow me to believe he would not trifle with someone's reputation or feelings. Trust me, I have thought it through more than you can know, and right or wrong I have made the decision and the commitment already,” she sighed.

Trying to lighten the mood, Lizzy continued, “But I do wonder about you worrying so much that he is toying with my feelings. How do you know I do not intentionally toy with his?” she laughed.

“I will not have you concerned about me. I will be fine. It is you I worry about. You will have one man spouting poetry on one side and another spurring you to anger by his very presence on the other. It is you who will have the most trouble guarding your emotions that evening, not me!”

When Holly looked at her cousin she could see that Lizzy believed everything she was saying. She also saw with what intensity she defended Mr. Darcy and with what fervour she justified her decision to keep company with him at the dinner. It was Holly’s opinion that the situation was now beyond the reach of rational argument, but that did not stop her from making one last attempt.

“Lizzy, it seems to me that if Mr. Darcy were interested in protecting you from Lucy’s threat, keeping you close would be the last way to accomplish that. If she sees him keeping you close to his side she will become angry and desperate, and that is when she is likely to be the most dangerous. He would be doing you a greater favour by staying away from you altogether.”

As expected, Lizzy’s face told her that her logic was not what she wanted to hear. She did not wish to give her pain, so she relented.

“Of course, Mr. Darcy must have had many experiences with this sort of thing, and perhaps he knows best. And as for my own emotions? Well, my temper and my patience may well be tested beyond endurance that evening, and I shall depend upon you to watch over me.”

Holly smiled while saying that last, but she was thinking to herself, ’Just because you wish to stay by his side does not mean I will forget my promise to keep you from being alone with him. I can, and I shall, easily watch you while you are busy watching over me.’

Lizzy was instantly relieved that Holly seemed to see reason, or to at least accept that Mr. Darcy's motives may not be improper after all.

“I do think he is right in this, and I am glad that you see it is possible. If Lucy intends to use my own thoughtlessness against me, it is far better that she does it now so I do not have to keep anticipating when it will happen. And who knows, perhaps she will think the better of it in the end. Besides, maybe he wishes to keep me beside him to help protect himself from her attentions? If that is the case, I certainly owe him that favour. It would be the least I could do to atone for my transgressions.” She smiled reassuringly at Holly. “You see! I have been thinking it through.

“As for watching over you, I shall be like a hawk. My keen eyes always on the lookout, and my senses ever tuned to come to the rescue at the first sign of trouble. I will pounce upon whatever creature that begins to annoy you or to try your patience by using my ever sharp wit.”

Holly grinned at her. “I have been thinking. You know what would be a most simple solution to your Lucy problem, Lizzy? If we could somehow turn her attentions toward Mr. Grant, or perhaps I should say turn his attentions toward her, as that would solve my problem as well. She is rather like a rat and will go in whichever direction she smells food. Or should I have said money? Do rats like money? This one seems to.”

“Are you suggesting we slip some cheese or something similar into his pockets, Holly, to lure her to him?” she smiled. “I do not suppose even that ploy would attract a very hungry Lucy, for she would not hazard losing the possible interest of a man of higher merit for such a small prize.”

Lizzy sent her cousin a stern look. “Yet, I would not wish her upon any man I know – even the poetic Mr. Grant, and neither would you, I am sure.”

“Yes, I know you are right! I suppose I would not either. Not really,” Holly said wistfully, and then her face changed dramatically as she saw the flaw in what had just been uttered. “Still, you did send her after Mr. Darcy, so I would not sound so superior if I were you, Lizzy!” When she saw the look on her cousin’s face change from contentment to something else entirely, she relented. “I know you did not mean to…”

Holly quickly continued, “Shall I tell you another surprising piece of gossip, Lizzy? At one time, not too very long ago, I seriously considered accepting Mr. Grant's proposal! What do you say to that?”

Lizzy laughed, “I say you are simply jesting to see if I am gullible or not! You, of all people, accepting a man you did not love or respect? You had better tell me you are teasing, or at least tell me what made you consider it, or I shall have to begin to compare you to Mrs. Collins.”

“You remember the letters we exchanged earlier this summer, Lizzy? When we spoke of our dreams and hopes? It was right at that time.

“I had – I have – all but given up hope of finding that hero which we both dreamed of as little girls. I wondered if it would be better to attach myself to a kind man of good character. I was lonely, homesick and unhappy, and I looked at marriage as a respectable means to escape my present circumstances.”

With a rueful smile Holly added, “Do not look at me like that, Lizzy! As you can see, I reconsidered my opinion and remain as I ever was. It was but momentarily giving in to desperation and weakness, and I must admit, after our dinner the other night, I am glad I resisted the impulse.”

“Well,” Lizzy grinned, “I can understand that you would think about it. Although I could not even entertain the thought with Mr. Collins at the time, were he not such an insipid man I may have. I am glad that you did resist though, as I am sure you are now as well. I do not think you would have liked only Byron quoted to you for the rest of your life. Some variety is called for after all. I think Lord Brougham, just to use another man as an example, would know many more poets,” and she looked slyly at Holly, her eyes dancing with mischief.

 

 

This story is written by Laura and Sylwia, and they own full © copyrights to it.

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